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Thursday, December 29th, 2005
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i havent updated in FOREVER. honestly i am not really sure why I am now. It is 2 in the morning and I just feel like I have a lot on my mind. I have been thinking a lot lately. i have been disappointed. i think because things arent as i expected they would be when i returned from turkey. before i left the rotarians told me...sometimes when kids get back from exchange and go to highschool, it is weird for them and they dont get along with the kids they used to. I feel like I dont have any close friends at all. I have lots of people who I consider myself friends with, but if i were to never see them again, i wouldnt be hurt. I feel like they dont know me, know what I have been through, understand me. I feel very alone and I am starting to contemplate: I was partly happy in turkey. I had lots of friends who i became sooo close with. But there was something missing. I thought that would go away when I returned to the good ol US of A and I would bounce back into my normal routine and be an average senior in high school. In reality I cant stand school and senior year isnt turning out to be everything its cracked up to be. Im not having the fun I wish I could be and I dont know how to change it. Also I am currently applying to college and it is making me seriously consider my future plans. I am afraid college isnt going to be everything I want it to be and it will be another four years of agonizing pain.
Just as bette middler says: a beautiful smile to hide the pain
i guess thats all you can do
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Ahh yes home again. For the past week and a half I have been off traveling around to New England visiting family and colleges. Talk about stressful. I left with my mom last wednesday and went to her parents house. They live in upstate NY and its nice but I got a little bored there for 4 days. My grandmother and I played golf one day. It was-in a word-embarassing. I missed the ball on my first 8 swings! I finally hit it just to see it advance 5 feet in front of me. It was a long day but I was able to finish all damn 9 holes. Then I was transported to my other my grandparents(my fathers kin). They took me to big ol' NYC and I got to eat at a turkish restauraunt. It was definately not as good as the real ones but I talked to the waitress in Turkish and the owner. Haha they were pretty surprised that I could speak turkish. I get a feeling they dont get to many American females speaking turkish to them in their restaraunt. We went to some colleges in the area: Skidmore (hi tory!), Boston University, Rhode Island University, Williams, and Amherst. I am now really scared about taking the SATs because if I fail, I am going to be going to fucking Southern Maine Community College. Not cool. No probably not but I am stressing out hardcore about what is to come. This fall is pretty making up for everything academic and sports. Soccer starts in 2 weeks! AH! I just hope I make the team.
For now I cant stress myself out. I am just going to enjoy being home,and drink my gatorade and eat my easy mac and go to sleep in MY bed with my dog.
Helen- If you ever come to NYC I will do my best to go and see you. Arabam yok ama tren var, and Im not afraid of public transport anymore ;)
Saartje- Cok exciting you have a LJ. We need to get the rest of the exchanges on. Stay in touch, and on the NYC subject same goes for you. If you ever come I will come too.
okay thats all for now
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Thursday, July 14th, 2005
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The weirdness of being home has finally sunk in. Tonight I had a soccer game and after I went out to dinner with some friends. As soon as we got there it was OMG GOSSIP! Everything from mom bashing, dirty sluts, guys, and "hilarious" stories. I was just totally bored the whole night. I cant seem to figure out who changed...me or them. I refuse to believe that I changed so much that my old friends wont be friends much longer. They changed too. I guess its normal for groups of girls to change and differ, but accepting it is hard. Before leaving and during my stay (until tonight as a matter of fact) I was sure everything would fall into place again once I came back and got readjusted into the group. Boy was I wrong. What am I left with now? Reminants of an amazing year in a different country, and a couple email addresses of some kids I will probably never see again.
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AHHH I will be in Maine in less than 48 hours. It really hasnt hit home yet though. I know I am leaving, but it is kinda the same way I know my favorite color is blue. The information is there, but it just isnt that important. I started packing. Then I got bored and my room is in a state of destruction. I dont think I will sleep tomorrow night, and pack all tomorrow night instead. Tomorrow I have to say goodbye to everyone. Or everyone that is left I guess. Ne yazik. I suppose now that so many of them are gone, I am slowly adjusting to the idea of never talking to these kids anymore.
Aly darling if you read this...reply.
What are you up to? Lebanon? That sounds really cool! Tell me more
everyone else, later, peace to your momma
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Thursday, June 16th, 2005
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| Time: | 1:49 pm. |
| Mood: | sad about what will come. |
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I opened my email a little while ago to a "Hey Lady!!". It was just what I needed. I miss Grisel. She said she is happy to be home and to be with her family but she said she cant talk the same with her friends as she used to be. She is just now realizing how much she changed here. I wonder if that will be the same for me. If when I get back, my friends wont be my friends anymore. How weird is it going to be going back to my old lifestyle. I am just starting to realize though, what was so great about this year wasnt Istanbul, or the freedom, or the lack of work, but the people I met. Now a bunch of them are gone, and I am realizing that. The real killer is that Istanbul will always be here. It will change, and differ...but my friends? They will all scatter to all ends of the world...some of them I will never see again. This WILL be the hardest thing about returning to Maine.
P.S. I have a little crush. My first one in a long time. I feel like a little girl again. Hehe
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So that was the coolest thing I have done in a long time. I just got a ride home in a cop car! And all I did was ask for directions. Haha. I was at Paulos birthday party, just in Acibadem. I have come home from there before and it only cost my 3 mil so I decided...fuck it Im gunna walk. I have been extremely poor lately, I can use the money for food instead. I start walking down this small little side aly that isnt looking too framiliar. Fuck I am lost. There is no one on the street and I am not about to flag down a random car and ask them for help. So then I saw this cop car drive towards me. I figured, a cop, here to help the people, he can help some poor little foreign make her way back to her home. There are two of them in the car and first they tell me to take a taxi. I refuse saying no I dont have very much money and it is such a beautiful evening Id prefer to walk. They told me which way to go and I was off. In a minute or so later (just as I gained my bearings and realized where I was) they pull up again and say cmon hop in we are going that way anyways. At first I was like no no thanks really it is really close and I would just rather walk. They insisted and I said fuck it, I always wanted to say I rode in the back of a police car (and cmon a turkish cop car..does that sound cool or what?) So I got in. I know I broke a cardinal rule in life. Never get in the car with a stranger. Especially in Turkey...shortly after I got in I realized that probably wasnt the smartest thing Id done. In the end though all turned out well and they were really cool guys. Haha they made me laugh and they complimented me on my turkish. We talked about police and in America and they started talking about C.O.P.S. Haha it was all good fun. Oh yea and then they got lost and I probably got home later than if I walked. Oh well what can you do.
Anyways, steph took off for Maramaris tonight. To make a long story short a bunch of kids were planning on renting out a boat for 3 or 4 days and we were invited. Obviously it just wasnt meant to be because probelm after problem arose and the risk just wasnt worth it for me. Steph decided to go at the very last second. She called her dad and took off with Scott, and Grant with nothing but the clothes on her back, no money, no kontor, and no permission from Asli. It will be strange this week without Aly, Steph, or Grisel here. My three best friends...yok. Maybe this will be good and I will bond with some of the other kids one last time before they leave. Well I am off for now...my stomach hurts and I have to tell my host mom that I am going to the airport tomorrow morning to say good bye to Grisel. She is gunna think I am crazy...this is the third time in a week. Oh well after this I dont think Im gunna go until I leave. Aw I am going to miss Grisel so much. We have become such good friends this year. It really wont be the same without her and her silly sayings and calling me Lady.
This entrance went from very happy to very sad in a very short time.
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Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
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Curse my host father. So he comes home last night, him, my mother and I have a nice family dinner and we talk. We make normal random chit chat and then he asks me: What are you going to do for the next month? Arent you gunna get bored? In my head I am thinking...of course I am not gunna get bored...my schedule is consumed with trips to the airport, saying goodbye to my soulmates who I may possibly never see again, buying touristy things, and for gods sake enjoying my last month in Istanbul. My tongue on the other hand just spits out a general: bilmiyorum. A rather new discovery I have made that whenever I am asked a question and I dont know how to answer in turkish, I just act stupid and say I dont know. Fuck! Why didnt I learn turkish better. (Point of the story:) My dad goes...I am going to find you a job. I have a friend who works at the Fenerbache boat marina, I will talk to him, maybe you can work there for your last month. In my head I am thinking...fuck I dont want to go work on a boat marina! I dont like boats! I declared long ago that I had no interest in being a sailor. My tongue on the other hand spits out a: guzel, iyi, and a smile. So now what do I do? I am just kinda hoping his friend at the boat marina didnt want some biraz turkce speaking american working for him and I am off the hook. Ugh if thats how I have to spend my last month here I will be so disappointed.
In other family news, my host sister comes back June 25. She is home for 5 days and then she is off to Uludag where she is a counselor at some outdoor activities camp. To top it all off my parents decide "ne guzel" it would be to let Lindsey spend her last 5 days in Turkey at a camp with a bunch of Turkish people. And not just turkish people. CHILDREN specifically. I hate kids! I really have to find a way to get out of this one. So how do I explain to my family, that even though their offer to let me go to camp is very nice, I would just rather spend my last 5 days in Istanbul with my friends. Haha Turkce ne demek? All I can think of is Campa gitmek istemiyorum. FUCK! Man why dont my parents consider hanging out in Taksim with my friends as a productive use of my time here.
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Oops...its been a while. I wont bother to update you on what I havent written about well because frankly I dont care too. Today is thursday May 26, 2005 10:41 PM. I have consumed a considerable amount of coca cola in the past hour and I am starting to feel it. I wasted all my kontor on a phone call to steph. FUCK I hate it when that happens. From now on I am not using any more kontor. I really cant afford to buy them anymore. Tomorrow we have the dance class. I am extremely frustrated now because I am like the only one who cares anymore. Everyone else just asssumes yea lets not do anything so we wont have to dance in Antalya. Yea the dance isnt necesarily (I have never been able to spell that word) fun and exciting but we have been working on it for so long I just feel its a real waste to stop now. This whole year we have been going to these classes for what? To say it was an excuse not to go to school. I havent really talked to anyone who shares these feelings.
I bought a nargile today, which was super exciting. I paid a lot less than I thought I was going to have to. Between Grisel, Aly, and I we have alot of friends at the Bazaar, and we all got a couple cays, sodas, sus, and other small assorted gifts.
Aly leaves for Egypt which really hasnt hit yet. I dont think it will hit until she is gone.
My mom gave me tickets to some consert of sorts tomorrow night in Maltepe. I know...Maltepe?! Pretty odd. I am thinking about telling my mom that I am going to it and going out with Aly. Im not letting myself feel too bad though because Im sure she got these for free. I could probably come home around 1 but for now I am gunna see what everyone else's plans are.
Ok all is done here...
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İ cant believe how fast the time flies! Today is May 9...İ have less than 2 months left. İ know it will go by really fast too because İ have stuff coming up to keep me busy. The east tour starts on Thursday which İ am really looking forward too. İ am looking forward to going to the east but most of all İ am looking forward to getting out of İstanbul for a couple days. This will be a much needed change of scenery. After that it is just a week until Aly leaves and we will be saying good byes at the airport. How strange it will be without her. Then...just a day or so later we will be off to Antalya for a lovely week of relaxation. SOOOO excited. After Antalya is just the summer and relaxation and enjoying myself. Tomorrow is the last day of the week that İ have to go to school! Sunday İ am going to say İ have the last Turkish class and then Thursday morning we leave for the East. İ suppose there is still a chance that we couldnt go because not enough people but İ think there will be enough and İ am crossing my fingers.
İ talked to my mom and she really misses me. Haha İ think this exchange year has been harder for her than it has for me. She sent me a forward today saying that Shapleigh won an emmy. Okay so you are asking...what is Shapleigh. Shapleigh was a service dog that İ got when she was 8 weeks old and İ had her until she was 1 year and a half. Then she went to Massachusetts where she was trained to be a service dog and help people with disabilities. She went to a wonderful man who had MS. Later some one was making a documentary about service dogs and how they help people and Shapleigh and her handler did an interview and they won an emmy. İ was so happy and now İ cant wait to see the DVD.
AHH my mom just brought my sutlaç...soooo goood!
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Ugh İ am not sure on this one but arent İtalians the ones known for their hospitality? Turks definately put up a fight. İ got home a short while ago and in a matter of minutes my mom brought a tray of dinner for me to eat. Yummy soup, and bread and something else that İ dont know how to classify or explain for that matter. Then İ finished and she brought my in dessert. This huge bowl of chocolate pudding with stuff inside. AND İ ate it all...and now İ am full. İn other news
İ am extremely happy because school is finished for me for the week. Now İ have 4 days til İ have to go back. Normally this is how my schedule is but İ cant enjoy myself fully because İ know İ have to approach my parents later with another lie about why İm not gunna go to school. Not this week. Yay. Also İ am happy because the weather is just lovely and my happiness has a direct correlation with the weather. The mother tells me that its gunna be nice for the next couple days too. The real mother sent out my package today that has my Maine T-shirts in it and my jacket İ asked her to send. Woohoo
Unfortunately now İ have to do a presentation on the Harem. So not cool. İ tried looking it up earlier in the week and found a surprisingly small amount of information. And then İ have to translate it into turkish. Poo. The one thing that will infuriate me even more is if İ show up to class tomorrow and the people who didnt make a presentation dont get in trouble. Neyse here İ go off to work.
Oh ya one more thing...me and Grisel jumped the fence at school today. Haha we jumped over and then looked to our right and there was this guy sitting there making a fire laughing at us. The past couple days they have been doing construction next to our escape hole so we have provided some entertainment for the workers. One thing İ recently realized though is the amount of kids who dont even go to our school that have jumped the fence. Ariane, Talita, and Marco have jumped with us before. Haha So funny. Tamam İ am out
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Saturday, April 30th, 2005
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| Time: | 12:02 am. |
| Mood: | cant place it. |
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Ya İ kinda suck at thıs whole live journal thing. Anyways
Sometimes İ am jealous of Stephanie...
She is pretty, and she speaks spanish, and she just has this natural outgoing personality that attracts people. İ dont consıder myself ugly, and İ know İ have many attractive qualities too but İ cant help feel this way. İ just feel cast aside sometimes. Like the best friend of the prettiest girl in school (or the exchange group anyways). İ do consider her a best friend though. We just have alot in common and we enjoy eachothers company. These feelings of jealousy arent continuous though. As a matter of fact some of the kids think she is kinda a slut (which is insane!). By American standards she is completely normal but a lot of people here think differently about such things as flirting and making out. Me on the other hand...İ wonder why my love life is so...vacant. İ havent even flirted with a guy in months. İn the exchange group there are some options, but Alas! they dont want me, yes you guessed it...they want her. İ was like this at home too. İ thought after the first couple months this year would be different for me. İ would date some more, have some more fun...for once not be second, or third in line. İ dont like to feel this way. İ am better than feeling down because of my love life (or lack there of). So İ am done. İ am going to go read my book and fall asleep.
P.S. İ promise this wont be my last entry for a month
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Thursday, March 10th, 2005
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| Time: | 8:42 pm. |
| Mood: |  really full. |
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so ya it has been a while since I have written. I have decided that I will try to write more. I havent the energy to write in complete sentences so I am just gonna say what is on my mind.
-Today we had the turkish dance class which is turning out to be pretty funny. It is kinda exhausting though and we all just really dont want to be there.
-After class I went to Kadikoy with Steph, Thiago, Grisel, Cristina, Santiago, Andres, Tania, and Marco. We had a good time and talked and it was fun.
-Tomorrow I have to go to school all by myself which is most unfortunate. It is just so boring without Grisel and Livia.
-My new host family is so great. I am sitting here in my room and my host mom just brought be a massive plate of sweets and tea. A big piece of cake, borek and cookies. (My 2nd piece of cake today!) OMG no wonder I am becoming huge. I can totally see how Tory loved them so.
-Jamie sent me an email today. She has done a good job of keeping me updated with everything that is going on at home. I am kinda glad I am not there for what is going on right now...MEA's
-omg I am gonna explode..too much cake
on that note I am out
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Monday, January 24th, 2005
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So I have decided to try out this whole live journal deal. Aly is completely addicted and I think I wanna see what it is all about. She made me get one in the first place so that I can read hers. She will be so excited when I tell her I have one too. Right now it is 10:48 PM (but you already probably knew that) and I cant sleep again. My mom has gone to sleep and I am awake and bored. Since I havent had to go to school I havent had any reason to get out of bed before noon and now I cant fall asleep until late. Tomorrow I am in big trouble though because I have to get up really early to meet all these kids at the train station. I am not going to write any more just because I am not sure who I want to read it and I wanna keep you hungry for more. Unfortunately I probably wont be able to enter another entry for a long time because of the tour blahty blahty blah you know how it goes.
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lindseymichaela's journal
stressed.
depressed.
excited.